States of Healing Anger: Love Letter to my GirlChildSelf #blackfeminisms

By Angelique V. Nixon

 

States of Healing Anger: Love Letter to my GirlChildSelf

“I want us to get to a place where tenderness is possible”
– June Jordan

It’s time to release pain & transform anger.
It’s time to love yourself & be enough for you.
No one is coming to rescue you. Except for me.
Grown, sexy, fearless, defiant & unafraid of you
or the depths of our sorrow.

It used to feel like if I started crying for you, for myself, I would never stop, but today Spirit spoke to me, reminding me of all the work done to get to here. Time to let it come through me, all that no longer serves me – the sadness, so deep, we could never see the end of it. Spirit told me she can hold all of it and me, and you, and so together in our darkness, we dive deep inside the core of the earth and let go.

I whispered in this place, the center of my being where I hold you.
“I’m sorry for all that you lost (in this life & ones before)
and how lonely this journey has been.”
I stand with you on this full moon and rip into these dark places.
I grasp you tightly with all my heart, releasing the pain, bringing in love & hope,
we scream tears and spill our words, our truth, our stories,
knowing it is better to speak, knowing we were never meant to survive.

To love & be loved—to speak, it is better—that is our resistance.
If others can’t handle our survival or see us—they too must be let go.

We deserve love that is not painful, burning, blinding, unbalanced, or no good for we spirit. I stand with you on this full pensive moon, releasing old harmful patterns.

I journey into heartspace (belly core) healing with conscious desire & rhythms.
I journey with songs of compassion for myself & others.

Being enough. I am enough. My love is enough. I am loveable.
My ancestors are with me & their pain is my strength.

I am strong. I am un/broken. Broken No Longer.
I am reborn, a place of tenderness, where Black love,
Black woman love, Black queer love, and loving openly
is more than possible, it is the place of freedom, of revolution.

Angelique V. Nixon is an Afro-Caribbean writer, artist, teacher, scholar, activist, and poet – born and raised in The Bahamas. Her research, cultural criticism, and poetry have been published widely. She strives through her activism, writing, and art to disrupt silences and carve spaces for resistance and desire. She is a Lecturer at the Institute for Gender and Development Studies at University of the West Indies, St. Augustine in Trinidad and Tobago.

An earlier version of this poem originally appeared in my creative essay titled “States of Anger: Black Women & Furious Survival” – published in Zora Magazine, Summer 2014, Special Issue, Notes on Anger.  It is republished here as part of our Black Feminisms Blog Carnival.

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